Eleanor was not, in my memory, the kind and loving woman that we usually think of when we see the word Grandma. She, and my grandfather, Palmer, lived in a nice home in Minneapolis. We visited there on holidays or the occasional Sunday. They were not affectionate grand parents.
In later years, Eleanor did not approve of me living with my Dad after my folks split (and eventually divorced). She wrote me more than one letter, sternly scolding me for my broken relationship with my mother.
Once, I tried to stop to visit her when I was on one of my trips driving to Wisconsin. She said she wouldn't be home because she would be playing Bingo at the church that evening. I actually went to the church and played Bingo with her so we could visit a little. She couldn't fit me into her life.
This photo reminds me of their house, where we knew not to stand in front of the TV, especially if the Twins or Vikings were playing.
The story of their lives includes some shady dealings by my grandfather and maybe a drinking problem as well, and their 3 children were farmed out to live with relatives, when they were just little tots. Something that was never talked about. My mother was sent to live with her great aunt & uncle when she was 3 or 4 years old, not that much older than the little girl in the photo above. When Mom's siblings were brought back home to Minneapolis, Mom was adopted by her Great Uncle & Aunt, Richard & Ida, and Mom did not return home, to Palmer & Eleanor, until she was a teenager. All this family turmoil was not good for anyone.
Mom went on to get pregnant as a teenager. She was sent to live in a home for unwed mothers. The baby, when she was born, was raised as Mom's sister by Eleanor & Palmer, and accepted as a sister to Mom's brother and sister. This was never spoken of. I was in my 30s when I found out that I had a half- sister, Bonnie. More secrets and lies that ended up causing collateral damage to what should have been normal family ties. Underlying mistrust breeds hard feelings & hurt. It is no wonder that Mom acted to preserve her own happiness as she navigated adult life. Sometimes, her behavior affected her children and their relationships with her, and it appeared that she was willing to pay that price.
When Mom died, her sister Jeanne came to Colorado for the funeral. I was talking to Aunt Jeanne about my disappointment in my Mom's behavior when she divorced Dad, remarried within a short time, and eventually went on to divorce & re-marry again. Aunt Jeanne said something that I never forgot. Jeanne said, "Your Mom was just doing the best she could. "
I have never forgotten that conversation, and many times in the 34 years since then, I have used that phrase. We don't always know what's going on with people, or what their life has been like. Can you imagine being sent away by your parents at 3 or 4 years of age? How could a little girl not be damaged?
So, unless someone is really crossing a line legally or morally, I try to look at behavior that disappoints me and consider that they might just be 'doing the best they can'.
